just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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