4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
