You smell like a Billy Joel song
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
