Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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