so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
