4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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