update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
