god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
