1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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