So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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