Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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