My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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