he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
