I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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