i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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