3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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