Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
