i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
