farters have to be the big spoon...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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