the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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