I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
