just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
