dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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