If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just had sex on a roof
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
