you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
