I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
