This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
