im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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