shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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