I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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