My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
