I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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