he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
