just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
