the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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