Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
