At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
