someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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