If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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