Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize