dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize