don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
