Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize