Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
