I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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