Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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