Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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