i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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