I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
