Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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