I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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