It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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