Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
