We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
