I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
