girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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