I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
